Tips for Increasing Intimacy in your Relationship

Here are some tips that I have learned along the way for increasing intimacy and closeness in a romantic relationship. Over time, we can start to take each other for granted and get caught up in the stress of dealing with life and intimacy can end up on the back burner, but if the love is still there, intimacy can find it's way back into your love life.

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-Relinquish Some Control. I think when we feel like we have to be in control of everything to make sure our needs are being met and we use a "if you want it done right, do it yourself attitude", we compromise intimacy. We add stress by feeling like we have to take it all on and we can undermine our partner and their efforts to contribute and help us out. So let them help and just relax while doing your part, which doesn't have to be doing everything. 

I think the most rewarding and also challenging ways I've used this technique in my relationship is with parenting. It's difficult not to interfere when it comes to my child, but I had to let go and realize it's not that big of a deal if my son's father gives him an extra cup of juice. He's competent and capable and he loves our child as much as I do so I just have to relax and not let little things that I would do differently stress me out. Not unless I want all of the responsibility on myself because I correct or criticize his methods. 

-Express your Gratitude and Appreciation. It's so easy to take people for granted, especially as the years pass. We don't even realize we're doing it. We just get used to that person being there and doing what they do. Chances are, the person you love is happy to do things for you that make you happy, but if they don't feel like they are appreciated, why should they continue? It's important to be aware of what you are grateful for about the person you love, because it helps you to feel content with your relationship by focusing on what's good about that person instead of their flaws. This makes you more willing to be intimate and more receptive to intimacy. It also makes your partner more willing to be intimate towards you when they feel they are loved and appreciated.

-See your own Needs Met. Do something for yourself everyday even if you only have a few minutes. Take some time to do something fun or relaxing to improve your mood. When you feel stressed out and rushed, it's hard to make time for intimacy and to be open to it when the opportunity presents itself.

-Recognize Opportunities for Intimacy. Even if we are craving more intimacy in our relationship, it can be hard to recognize it when it's right in front of our face. You don't have to share all of your dreams (again) or have a huge planned romantic evening or weekend away to see more intimacy in your life. There are opportunities for it everyday when you or your partner open up about your day even if it seems mundane or you do small things for each other. It's an opportunity to appreciate each other and express gratitude, therefore increasing intimacy. 

The Awesome Power of Forgiveness

The awesome power of forgiveness lies in freeing yourself of the burden of anger and the pain it causes you. I know how hard it is to consciously forgive someone for hurting or betraying you. It's especially difficult when the wound is fresh and it doesn't seem like the person who wronged us deserves our forgiveness. Maybe they did something so difficult to forgive or maybe they don't seem like they've learned anything from the experience and they have no plans to change.

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I think something that helps in forgiving others is focusing on how they may have also suffered or been hurt by what they've done. It's easier to forgive when we see karmic retribution already at work. It's a lot harder when this person is a repeat offender whether that's toward us or others they've harmed in their wake. In that case, always come back to the knowledge that you forgive for yourself, because it frees you and allows you to let go and move forward.

It also helps in forgiving people when we think about the fact that people who hurt others and abuse their trust, the power we gave them when we allowed ourselves to be vulnerable to them, are the real losers in the situation. They clearly have issues of their own and we can sometimes feel pity for them when we focus on reaching the point of forgiveness. It's not about placing yourself above others. We've all made mistakes and done things we aren't proud of, but realizing that as much as someone may have hurt us, they are probably hurting themselves helps you forgive and let go.

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."-Mahatma Gandhi

The Key to Happy Relationships: Expectation

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I believe the key to happy relationships, not just romantic, lies in realistic expectations. There are a lot of other factors of course. Love, trust, mutual respect, gratitude, but I believe these other aspects of loving relationships are easier to maintain with a realistic attitude about what to expect from other people.

-I think gratitude, being grateful and appreciative of the people in our lives and what they offer us, is essential for feeling happy with the relationship. So appreciating what is offered to us and showing that not only makes us happier, but makes the other person in the relationship happy and makes us ultimately more deserving and receptive of their love and respect and the other gifts they offer us.

-When it comes to relationships, especially romantic relationships, I think a lot of us have a mental list that maybe we aren't even completely consciously aware of. A list of requirements that we feel must be met before we'll even consider the possibility of starting a relationship, which can lead to missed opportunities for love and friendship. It also exists in the back of our minds in the course of a relationship and when we feel the expectations and "requirements" we have for that person aren't being met, we're unhappy. Some of our expectations are reasonable and fair, but others aren't realistic and are bound to lead to disappointment and unhappiness.

-The biggest unrealistic and unfair expectation I think we put on our loved ones is the expectation that this person will never make a mistake, never hurt us, never let us down, and that's just not something anyone can live up to. We're all only human. I just think it's important for our own happiness and contentment in our love lives and other relationships that we don't let things like our grumpy significant other snapping at us after a bad day devastate us too much and let us believe there is something wrong with our relationship or the person we're involved with. There's always going to be a problem if we're looking for one.

-I firmly believe that we are all responsible for our own happiness and putting that power in another's hands is unwise and bound to lead to disappointment. I'm not suggesting being a doormat, but by focusing on ourselves, we make ourselves happy and our loved ones as well. We also make ourselves more deserving of respect and love when we love and respect ourselves.