My Attempt to Move on After his Infidelity

I have been the victim of infidelity and it's a difficult thing to get past. I felt victimized because of the crushing, life changing betrayal that comes along with finding out your significant other has been unfaithful. I won't share too many of the circumstances of the affair and get into too many details, because really, what difference does it make? Betrayal hurts whether that betrayal is from someone you haven't been with long or from someone you've been married to for several years, it hurts all the same. The same applies if the affair was more of a one time slip up or an ongoing "relationship" between the two people involved.

    I think the first thing I had to do in the process of moving forward with my life was accept what happened. There were times that I would ask for details that I really didn't want to know or fish for certain reassurances because of the sting of insecurity that I felt after what he did. I was just looking for something, anything to make it hurt less, to make it seem less significant, but what I really wanted was for it to go away and no compliments or details of what happened between the two of them could make it better or make it so that it never happened. I had to accept that it did happen and there was nothing I or anyone else could do to change that as much as we may have wanted to. 

    In order to really move on from going through something like this, whether you are moving on alone after one of you ended the relationship or you are trying to move on together, having decided to stay in the relationship, you have to grieve. You have to grieve what was lost (trust, the relationship or marriage if it has come to an end). There were times when I would feel ready to work on my relationship and try to improve things moving forward, but I would get angry and think, "Why should I do the work when I'm the one who was hurt?". There is no moving forward until you have given yourself the time to accept what happened and properly grieve.

    Remember what you are in control of...YOURSELF. That's it. Despite whatever issues may have existed in my relationship, I'm not responsible for what happened. This was hard to really convince myself of if I'm being honest, because I did feel insecure and as though I was to blame for what happened. Maybe if I was prettier or sweeter or better in bed or whatever, I would have deserved better than being cheated on. I would have been able to keep him content enough to not look elsewhere. But that type of thinking is garbage. No matter what was "wrong" in the relationship, it was no reason to do what he did. I didn't deserve to deal with the consequences of what happened because it wasn't my crap. It was his issues that led him to look outside of himself and outside of his relationship. He admitted his insecurity at the time may have been a contributing factor and I'm not responsible for how anyone else feels about themselves, just as he can't make me feel better about me. That's up to me.

    Finally, I just had to forgive. This was the hardest part, forgiving not only my significant other who broke promises, hurt me, and destroyed the trust in our relationship, but I had to forgive the other woman who knew about me and the son we have together when she decided to get involved with him. Honestly, I decided to forgive them for myself because I couldn't deal with the anger and the way it was affecting my life anymore. I knew I had to forgive them to move on and better myself. I think it was easier to forgive them when I thought about the fact that, while not the same as what I'm going through, they did suffer consequences of their actions. The other woman felt the sting of rejection when her hopes of pushing me out of the way and getting an exclusive relationship out of the deal did not happen for her and he chose me in the end. He had to deal with the guilt and the relationship issues because of his poor choices.

So I am ready to move forward in my life and focus on bettering myself instead of hoping that if I sacrifice enough to make someone else happy, that will be returned. I need to put my own happiness and learning to love myself again to offer my loved ones the best of me. I'm worrying less about pleasing everyone else because I can't live for someone else anymore. Obviously, that did not work out in the past and it wasn't good enough, because I wasn't really happy. At times, I was resentful. I really believe when we take responsibility for our own happiness, we will be happier in our relationships and so will the other person involved.